Many families choose to expand their families when their first child is a toddler, generally between the ages of 1-4 years of age, however there are many changes that occur for both the child and the family dynamic that can impact this. The ages of 1-4 constitute a period of dynamic developmental and social emotional changes.
There are many considerations that families face when deciding to expand their families. Families consider many things when thinking of expanding t including: the age gap of their children, support networks, pregnancy/fertility considerations, childcare options, the developmental needs of their first born, feeding options, sleep considerations, socioeconomic concerns, cultural expectations and mental health considerations.
Let’s face it, toddlerhood is rough! Adding another child to the household during this period can impact both toddlers and parents in a number of ways. Parents are often faced with the many behaviors that are characteristic of toddlerhood, however when coupled with the challenges of caring for a newborn they can certainly be overwhelming. Understanding your toddler’s social, emotional,l and developmental needs during this period can help with the sense of overwhelm that grown ups can feel when a toddler is “toddlering” especially when they have a new sibling.
For toddlers, a sibling joining the family can have a huge impact on their world. Their person/people are now being shared (and they don’t quiet get sharing anyway) and they are getting less on one one time, at a time when they don’t get to make decisions for themselves ( which is a need during toddlerhood), and are having many changes all at the same time ( potty training, ending the pacifier, weaning, changing classrooms at daycare/new caregivers). All of this while they have emotions that feel too big for their bodies and they don’t know exactly how to manage them (especially in a socially acceptable ways at Target).
Your toddler is thinking something like: “I don’t want to sleep in my big kid bed, , you served me the wrong food on the wrong plate and I don’t understand why this baby is here. As I toddler I need you to know that I am mad, that baby is too loud and I want time with you to connect even if it is not how it used to be.”
Here is a breakdown of social emotional/play abilities of toddlers. Please note that children grow at different rates and have a variety of developmental needs
- 12 month olds – strong attachment to caregivers – heightened stranger/separation anxiety – increased independence — increased mobility/curiousity—-tantrums—-need coregulation & validation of their emotions— engage in solitary play
- 24 month olds – tantrums– increased language— self aware —ego centric—need coregulation/validation –engage in parallel play
- 36 months olds– tantrums– increasing language—-increased awareness of other’s feelings— improving emotional regulation – beginning turn taking — engage in cooperative play
- 48 month olds — formation of friendships, group play, social rules, turn taking – complex language
Siblings have a lot of benefits! Children spend more time with their siblings during childhood than with their parents/peers and this is the time that they learn cooperative/prosocial behaviors and can learn how to be successful in relationships with other people with the support of their families.
Going to therapy as you navigate the process of planning to have another child, are pregnant with another child or in the throes of toddlerhood with a newborn can support you as you explore the many ways that you show up as a parent/partner. Not only that, It can support you in your journey of self care so that you can show up as the parent that you want to be .
Resources for parents: The nurtured Village Podcast: Episode 21 Toddler Psychology: becoming a big brother or sister with Mona Delahooke
“When is He going back in your Belly” How to Help Older Siblings Adjust to the New Baby: https://www.zerotothree.org/resource/when-is-he-going-back-in-your-belly-how-to-help-older-sibling s-adjust-to-the-new-baby/
Book: Siblings without Rivalry- Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
Books for Littles: King Baby, The New Baby at your House, Peter’s Chair, Lola Reads to Leo, Hello in there, You were First, Waiting for Baby, Snuggle the Baby, The New Small Person
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