What to Expect in Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a transformative experience, offering support for partners who are facing challenges in their relationship. Whether it’s navigating a major life transition, such as having a child or dealing with career changes, addressing communication issues, or healing from betrayal, therapy provides a space to work through these complexities with the guidance of a trained professional.  Whatever your reason for considering couples therapy, it can feel uncomfortable and intimidating inviting a third party, a therapist, into the inner world of your life as a couple to help you both through it. This guide will give you an overview of what to expect in the early stages of therapy, helping you feel more prepared and empowered as you begin your journey toward healing and growth together. Each therapist is different and each couple is different as well. No two couples therapy sessions or treatment plans are going to be the same. However, there will probably be some similarities in the initial sessions. The first few sessions will be what the therapist considers information gathering and treatment planning. This means getting an idea of who you each are individually and as a couple. The therapist will listen to each of your concerns, while finding out more about you personally, including getting some background information such as what your family is like and what your past experiences are in a romantic relationship. Some therapists opt for doing a four-session model, which means that the first session is conducted with both members of the couple, the second and third sessions are conducted with only one member of the couple, and the fourth session is back to having the couple together again. This helps the therapist gather as much information as possible and also gives you a chance to speak a little more freely. A key to remember here is that there are no secrets in couples therapy - what you say privately to your therapist may be said to your partner in a future session if the therapist determines it beneficial. However - if you are feeling unsafe at all in your relationship, please tell your therapist in a way that feels the safest for you. Your safety is the highest priority and your therapist will help you in the best way possible, without exposing you. In the first session you will probably go over any policies and important information with the therapist, such as contact information, late cancellation policy, and things related to HIPPA and mandated reporters. You’ll be able to ask any questions you’d like to the therapist. Some interesting questions I’ve heard people ask in the past include what my opinion is on homework in couples therapy (I think it can be a great idea but it’s not for everyone!), what modalities I tend to pull from to guide sessions (I do a lot of attachment work, nervous system work, and emotionally focused therapy), and if they can eat or drink during a session (fine by me!).  Sessions at Flourish typically run for 50 minutes and depending on what you need, the therapist may recommend seeing you both weekly, biweekly, monthly, etc. You can ask your therapist for what you need and, in fact, your feedback is extremely important! If your therapist’s recommendation doesn’t match what you need, just let them know. As sessions progress, you’ll begin getting more comfortable with your therapist and the therapeutic space and relationship. The therapist will help you identify communication skills that can use a little tweaking or things that may be getting lost in translation from one partner to the other. You’ll begin to understand your own triggers and your partner’s triggers as well. It takes time to be vulnerable, but it is important. Vulnerability is an important part of therapy and of healing. As you and your partner become more comfortable in being vulnerable with each other, you will be able to let defenses down and truly see what is going on in the relationship. Couples therapy can be a deeply rewarding experience, offering you and your partner the tools to improve communication, increase understanding, and rebuild trust. While the process may feel vulnerable and challenging at times, it ultimately provides the opportunity for both individuals to grow and learn about themselves and each other. The therapist’s role is to create a safe space for you both to explore difficult emotions, identify patterns in your relationship, and develop healthier ways of interacting. As you move through the process, remember that every relationship is unique, and what works for one couple might not work for another. By staying open, honest, and patient with yourselves and each other, couples therapy can pave the way for a stronger, more connected partnership. Committing to couples therapy takes courage and we’re here for you when you’re ready!

FAQs about Couples Therapy

1. Is it okay to argue with each other during a session?

Yes! Arguments will come up in therapy and it is ok to have discussions. There is no place in relationships for belittling, gaslighting, or yelling, though. The therapist may stop you in the middle of an argument if things get too escalated or feel unsafe at all. Arguments can produce good information and having them in a session can lead to being able to dissect them in a logical, calm way.

2. Do I have to be in individual therapy too?

Not necessarily, though your therapist may recommend it for one or both of you. It all depends on the situation.

3. Should I only go to couples therapy if we’re about to break up?

Nope. Some couples go to therapy preventatively, especially if a big life event is coming up and they want to make sure they’re in the best place possible before dealing with a big stressors. Other couples enjoy having a set time and space to spend time together amidst a busy life.

4. Will the therapist just recommend we go on more dates?

Your therapist may recommend more date nights, but that probably won’t solve all your problems. Other homework items your therapist may use include different quizzes, like an attachment style quiz or an enneagram test, to help you two get to know each other better. But, hey, if going out on more dates is the missing link in your relationship, give it a try!

5. Do we have to talk about sex?

Intimacy is an important part of a couples’ relationship, but that doesn’t mean it’s a problem area that needs to be discussed. Your therapist will more than likely ask about it, but if it’s not an issue, they may not talk about it again unless you bring it up. Your therapy session is your place to discuss anything though, including sex. You don’t need to hesitate or be shy to talk about it! There is no judgment in a therapeutic space.

6. How long do I need to go to couples counseling?

It totally depends! Some couples are looking for something more short-term, such as a few weeks or months, and others might need or enjoy something more long-term. You can work with your therapist to determine what is right for you.

7. What if I don’t like my therapist?

I always tell my clients that I take things professionally, not personally. Your personalities might not mesh or their therapeutic approach might not be what you need. The beauty of a therapeutic relationship is that you can discuss it without anyone having hurt feelings. If therapy isn’t feeling good to you, talk to your therapist about it. She can help you find someone else who may be a better fit.

8. Will therapy save my marriage?

Nope. Your work in the relationship may save your marriage, though. Therapy is not a miracle cure for broken relationships. It can, however, provide the space and tools you need to put in the work. Your therapist’s goal is not to save a marriage or relationship, but to help both parties get through whatever they are going through in the best way possible. Therapy can be a great space for you to determine what is the best thing to do in your relationship. Therapy is a support and your therapist can be a guide so you can have some extra perspective and be able to see the bigger picture.