What to do with Irritability
As a therapist, I have the honor and privilege of hearing people’s innermost thoughts. A topic that comes up frequently in therapy, and that is often met with a layer of shame, is irritability.
When we feel irritable and lash out to our loved ones, it can feel like we aren’t ourselves. Or maybe it even makes us question if that irritable part of us is actually our truest self. We feel annoyed, angry, out of patience, or out of control. Irritability has a way of trying to find solutions that are beyond our reach - If the kids would just be quiet, if my partner would just clean up after themselves, if my boss would get off my back, if people could be better drivers! It makes us feel stuck, like there are no solutions within our grasp, and that’s where the shame can come in. Why can’t I handle this? Am I just a nasty, grumpy person? Why can’t I just be present and be happy?
One of the most powerful tools we have as human beings, though, is to be curious. Instead of judging yourself for being irritable, I’d encourage you to ask yourself why you’re irritable? What is your body trying to tell you? Irritability is information about what's going on in your body. It can indicate stress, unmet needs, feeling unsafe, or unprocessed emotions. Sitting in the seat of curiosity rather than judgment gives us the perspective to find out what’s wrong and how to meet that need, rather than being stuck and feeling even worse about ourselves.
When getting curious about irritability, I like to first go back to our most basic needs. Are you just hangry? When was the last time you had a meal? How about water? Also check in on sleep and hygiene. Sleep is one of the most important gifts we can give our bodies and if you’ve been getting less sleep than normal, chances are that your body is telling you that it’s tired. If you haven’t showered or brushed your teeth lately, that can make us feel irritable too. These things are all priorities. If you are unable to meet your basic needs, your body is going to respond to that. It will tell you, often through being irritable, that something is lacking. Your body needs attention. Listen to your body. Make time and space to get your needs met. You will show up more fully and feel more peaceful.
Irritability can also show up because of familiar triggers. Your nervous system may get activated by something that feels like a familiar threat. A story I like to share as an example of this is when I was unloading the dishwasher one day and my sweet husband came over to help me. Instead of being grateful, I found myself snapping at him. I was so confused by my reaction and my husband was hurt. Afterall, he was just trying to help. I brought it up in my own therapy session later that week and was able to see that my body was just reacting to a trigger from my childhood. Though the situation itself was not dangerous at all, certain parts of it felt similar and my nervous system reacted by giving me information that something about the situation was making it feel unsafe. Having that knowledge of what my triggers were allowed me to respond to them, without reacting. I had the ability to name my triggers and reorient myself to the present.
If you are in the throes of parenthood, on a fertility journey, or navigating a major life change, irritability can show up because of unprocessed emotions. It may be telling you that life is feeling pretty big, overwhelming, or difficult and your body needs a rest. That rest can mean saying no to extra events or obligations. It can mean taking intentional time to yourself to feel those feelings. That can look like journaling, going on a mindful walk, meditating, or talking to a good friend. Oftentimes it feels instinctual to power through a difficult situation to just get past it. However, a good question to ask ourselves is how we want to feel when we are through this season. Then we can be very intentional about achieving that feeling. If you want to feel more peaceful at the end of a stressful season, what are some peaceful practices you can incorporate into your life today? Or perhaps some stressful practices you can remove from your life, even temporarily as you navigate a difficult season?
Know that your irritability is not something that is wrong with you. It’s not something that needs to be fixed. It is information, a signal from your body, that there is an unmet need. When you feel irritable, use it as an opportunity to take a step back and figure out what’s going on. What do you need in this moment? How can you listen to your body’s signals and get your own needs met? You are a priority, even in stressful times when life everywhere is demanding your attention.