Supporting Better Mental Health Outcomes in Non-birthing Parents

   As a therapist, I always love to hear when a new mom has a wonderful, supportive partner. Hearing that mom is cared for by someone who is making sure she gets rest, meals, and moments to herself makes me feel confident in her family system. Welcoming a new baby is exciting, scary, joyful, overwhelming, and exhausting all at once. A cohesive family system makes a huge difference. Part of caring for a family system is caring for all its parts.

   With Mother’s Day fresh in the rearview mirror and Father’s Day around the corner, I’mthinking a little bit more of non-birthing parents. Whether you are a biological father, a step-parent, an adoptive parent, a parent who did not carry your baby, or any other parental figure in a child’s life, you are also experiencing major change. We often hear new moms report on being screened by their OBGYN for postpartum depression and anxiety, but rarely hear about their partners being screened. And yes, we still have a ways to go in terms of how we care for moms in our society for sure. Alongside that, it might be helpful to think about how we care for the non-birthing parents as well.

   Hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, role shift and strain, grief for the closeness with a partner from pre-baby days, the pressure of being a provider, and inadequate parental leave, among other stressors, can all play a part in postpartum anxiety and depression in non-birthingparents. 

Symptoms to look out for include:

   ● Mood swings

   ● Changes to sleep (this one is tricky with a newborn!)

   ● Changes to appetite

   ● Depressed mood

   ● Anxious mood

   ● Irritability or anger

   ● Isolation

   ● Physical symptoms (G.I. distress, muscle tension, headaches, eczema, etc.)

Okay, so how can we cope and care?

1. Create routines with baby. Attachment is so important in those early days and it can feel intimidating for non-birthing parents to form that bond when they compare their relationship with their baby to the birthing partner’s relationship. Find routines that allow you some special moments with your baby such as bath time, taking some nighttime feedings, getting out for walks, etc. Know that it might look different from your partner’s experience and that’s okay. You have many years to form your own special bond with your child, and that’s an incredible thing.

2. Build your village. This can be helpful start thinking about before the baby is here. Call on grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, and any support you might hire so that you have names handy and ideas of how those supports can show up when you need them. People generally love to help, but the question “what can I do?” can feel overwhelming when you’re in the throes of postpartum days. Giving people chores, specific tasks, meals they can bring, etc. can be really helpful before baby is here.

3. Cultivate your self-care routines. And keep flexible. That evening run might need to be cut short or occur less frequently in a week, and that’s okay. What used to work for you might not have the same effect. Self-care might look more like rest, time with your partner, or reading a book, watching comfort tv shows and movies.

4. Check in with your partner. Your role has changed from partner to partner and parent.You are getting to know your baby while also maybe missing the connection you hadwith your partner in your pre-baby life. Check in, lean on those supports, and find somemoments for each other where you can.

5. Reach out for support. A large part of what therapy entails is holding space to process change. Even when change is something we dreamed of and really wanted, it can come with transitional stress. Flourish is full of wonderful clinicians familiar with this particular chapter or life who feel privileged to walk alongside you through these moments!

Resources:

Flourish Counseling and Wellness:https://womenscounselingchicago.com/

Postpartum Support International:https://postpartum.net/get-help-2/help-for-dads/

What About Us?: A New Parent’s Guide to Safeguard Your Over-Anxious, Over-Extended, andSleep-Deprived Relationship by Karen Kleiman, MSWhttps://www.amazon.com/What-About-Safeguarding-Over-Extended-Sleep-Deprived/dp/164170571X