Navigating Intercultural and Interfaith Relationships

Younger generations have begun to challenge the taboo amongst races, ethnicities and spiritualities that disapprove of interfaith/intercultural relationships and marriages. It has been beautiful to not only see a more blended world around me, but to experience the colors of my small world begin to blend too. My husband and I practice completely different faiths and belong to multiple races and ethnicities. Life with him is gorgeous. But where there is beauty (which is in everything), there is pain (which is everywhere); long-term interfaith and/or intercultural relationships experience unique stressors and strains in navigating compromises, sacrifices, and assumptions of the world experienced by their partner. Of course, all couples – whether from the same background or not – will encounter differences in their relationships. Culture does not only belong to race, religion, and ethnicity, but it also belongs to the diversity of thought and the navigation of life experiences. People belong to “family cultures,” where roles and expectations were intergenerationally inherited. When navigating an interfaith and/or intercultural relationship, couples hold the responsibility to be proactive in relationally exploring life decisions because conflict may be broader as a result of their different inherited roles and expectations. Research has broken the challenges down to three primary categories:

• Communication styles
• Relationships with extended family
• Parenting practices

Let’s dive in.

• Communications styles:

Couples who do not share cultural backgrounds are at risk of facing challenges when communicating with each other. They may share the same spoken language, but the impact of how they’re expressing themselves may burden the relationship. In the millions, perhaps billions, of cultures around the globe, each has shaped how individuals argue, joke, and listen, in addition to idiosyncrasies and body language they might utilize. Oof. This feels impossible. But it’s not. Unlearning your assumptions and relearning your partner will cultivate a safe space to be sensitive to your partner’s influences on their upbringing. I believe in us.

• Relationships with extended family

You know that saying? “When you date me, you are dating my family too”? Maybe a Kardashian said that. But this idea isn’t too far off from what we’re looking at here. Couples may experience pressure from extended family to have a traditional wedding or even influence major decisions, such as what religion to raise your child in. In addition, couples themselves may have different perspectives regarding the role of their extended family in their relationship. This sounds… intimidating. And it is. And that’s okay. When you two are able to collaborate in identifying your personal values, lowering the volume of all of the noise around you, you might find the solution you’re looking for.

• Parenting practices

Language. Holidays. Faith. Discipline. Gender roles. Heritage. Racial identity. Conflict in intercultural and/or interfaith relationships are often rooted in assumptions and expectations of the above and many more. Studies have identified five patterns for managing cultural differences between couples as they begin to conjure their family vision:

1. Assimilated: One partner agrees to acculturate and/or convert; this path displays one partner’s commitment to faith/tradition and the other’s commitment to exploration and understanding.
2. Modified bi-cultural: Couple agrees to follow and raise children in one religion; the couple continues to honor their individual beliefs and traditions.
3. Bi-cultural: Couple attempts to equally observe beliefs/rituals from both backgrounds; this path displays strong adherence of each partner to their own faith but also their openness to the traditions of the other.
4. Secular: Couple chooses, either deliberately or by default – we’ll get back to this in a moment – to take a non-religious approach and minimal involvement in the practice of cultural and religious beliefs/traditions.
5. Transcendent: Couple adopts beliefs/traditions from a variety of cultures; this path displays high value placed on culture but no strong adherence to either backgrounds of either partner.

Now let’s go back to the part where I said “either deliberately or by default.” This is supported by the “slide versus decide” theory founded by Dr. Scott Stanley. In short, this theory captures elements of impulsivity and relationship functioning (such as communication styles and relationship efficacy, aka the other two categories in interfaith/intercultural relationship challenges!). Sliding is the path couples take to naturally take them to next steps in their life; research supports that couples who “slide” into major life changes, communication suffers and relationship satisfaction plummets. Deciding is the collaborative path on next steps and exhausting options; research supports that this may relate to better individual and relational functioning. Intention is everything here. Studies tell us that the more intentional folks are about their relationship decisions, the more likely they are to achieve long-term success. Couples everywhere, cultural and religious convictions aside, will experience constraints correlated with natural differences in humankind. All couples hold a responsibility in exploring, managing, and resolving their differences in their relationship, whether or not they share the same cultural and spiritual background. The process of forming a blended family is complex and messy and so worth it. Am I doing it right? Are you doing it right? Does “right” exist? Or is it what’s “right for you”? Let’s find out together.