When Parents Get Triggered

As we begin May, which is Maternal Mental Health Month, I want to bring to light something that many moms feel shame about and feel alone in- feeling triggered and feeling out of control with their emotions, especially rage. Many people think that being triggered by their baby’s cries, their toddler’s tantrums, lack of sleep, being touched out, and the mess in their home makes them a bad parent, but it doesn’t. It is okay to feel overwhelmed by motherhood. Being triggered by your child does not make you a bad parent; it makes you a human one. The anger you feel when triggered is a valid emotion. It is also an alarm bell that there is more going on underneath the surface that you need to support yourself with.

So what is a trigger? A trigger can be anything you experience in the present moment that activates a feeling from the past. Triggers affect your emotional state by causing intense overwhelm or distress, and this type of emotional response is much quicker and more intense than the more typical low-level frustration or irritation that can arise when taking care of your kids.

Parents can get triggered by their children for a variety of reasons, but can typically be attributed to one or more of the following:

1. You were never taught emotional regulation skills as a child, so it’s something you still struggle with as an adult

2. Old wounds- you were shamed or punished for similar behaviors that your child is exhibiting in that moment

3. You tie your self-worth as a parent to your child’s behavior

4. You have too many unmet needs- sleep deprivation, dehydration, no time for self, etc

5. Overstimulation- sensory overload from one or more senses (auditory, visual, etc)

All of these factors are worthy of curiosity, problem-solving, and strategies, but I want to devote some particular attention to numbers 2 and 3. Both of these reasons tie goodness and worth to behavior- both your own and your child’s. This connection is not coincidental.

So many of us carry around harsh ideas about ourselves (“I’m too much” or “I’m not enough” or “Something is wrong with me”) and these ideas deeply impact our parenting. When we snap, yell, or react strongly to our kids, we’re not really reacting to our kid. We’re reacting to some part of ourselves. When we find ourselves responding to our kids with criticism and harshness, it’s usually because that’s how we talk to ourselves too. Change starts by recognizing your triggers and getting curious about them. After we snap at our children, we often turn to self-blame. If we want to break cycles, we need to turn to self-reflection instead. You can start by asking yourself these questions:

-How would my parents have responded if I behaved like this as a child?

-What do I believe about my child when they act this way?

-What do I think about myself as a parent when my child acts like this?

-What am I seeing in my child that I had to learn to shut down in myself?

Kids reveal to us where we have room to grow, where we have wounds to heal, where our voices were silenced, or what parts of us were shut down as children. What if, instead of feeling shame for our anger, we got curious about it? What if we allowed it to reveal important lessons to us, instead of numbing it, running from it, or projecting it onto people we love? When we learn to accept, manage, and diffuse our own anger, we can help to validate and support our child with theirs. In this month of May, let’s commit to leaning into curiosity towards our child’s emotions AND our own, and compassion for our child’s experience AND our own. It’s all so deeply connected.