The case for practicing acceptance through challenging times

Over the last year (or several, really) I have sat with so many clients as they express frustration, confusion, sadness, and anger over what they are seeing in the world around them. I have heard so many people talk about avoiding the news and social media. Setting limits is so important. We continue to navigate crazy news cycle after crazy news cycle. A handful of times, I have heard clients wonder, “is this acceptance or resignation?” In my experience, resignation tends to look more like a hopeless giving in while acceptance is something that can actually strengthen values, build connection, and inform action. Acceptance is a practice that takes a bit of work, but the gains can be really powerful.

While setting limits to things like news and social media that create uncomfortable feelings is essential, there may be a point at which we need to feel some of the discomfort in a safe and intentional way. This is where acceptance comes in.

There are a lot of places to read about acceptance, so for the purpose of this post, I will be writing from the perspective of acceptance and commitment therapy. When I think of practicing acceptance, I do not think of seeing something upsetting and shocking in the news and giving it a thumbs up, but rather acknowledging some of the shocked and upset feelings we might experience related to the headlines. When something creates difficult emotions, acceptance is not agreeing with your feelings and thoughts or liking them. Acceptance instead requires us to see reality as it is and then sit with our thoughts and feelings with curiosity.

Did a headline create feelings of tension in you? How are you feeling toward those thoughts and feelings? Are you feeling critical of them or yourself? What if you could pause and just notice those feelings for a moment without changing them? Could you be an observer to your own experience rather than tightly fused to it?

To me, this is where the hard work comes in. Acknowledging feelings as they are, without judgment, and without trying to change them can be challenging. So we might feel an urge to avoid, but sometimes in brushing them aside, distracting, or minimizing, those emotions might become more of a constant, anxious background noise in our day-to-day life. Again, setting limits can be important and there is not a formula that fits for everyone, so we have to be open to this process. In that moment where we begin to judge and avoid feelings, if we can pivot and move toward our experience with curiosity and nonjudgment, we can practice acceptance. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge the experience without challenging it, reframing it, or judging ourselves for it can allow us to engage with what makes us human and connected to what is important- our values.

So in practice, that might look something like this: A story crosses my Instagram feed and I read the comments. I think, “oh wow, this is incredibly upsetting, what is going on with this world?” So, I keep on scrolling or maybe decide I am going to take on several tasks to keep myself busy so that I can avoid that feeling. That typically catches up to me around bedtime when I have to be still to sleep. I might feel restless or like my brain will not shut off. What if instead, I heard that thought and acknowledged feeling upset? What if I said, “wow, I feel upset and I need to sit with that for a moment?” And I could see what other feelings come up alongside that and continue noticing. While it is not comfortable, I can hold those emotions and see that they come from something good and human in me. If I did not feel frustrated over upsetting content in the news and on social media, what would that say about me? If I hold space for my experience instead of avoiding it, I can connect with that humanness in me, learn something about myself and my values, and maybe even allow those values to inform my behavior in important ways. For instance, maybe I am going to start setting some more limits on social media use or be more thoughtful about content I am following. Maybe I would also consider ways to engage with others in my community in acts of resistance to what I find objectionable to my values.

We do not have to like the headlines or the rhetoric we are seeing and I would never ask a client to do that. I would never ask them to find a way to look on the bright side or find a silver lining. Instead, I would ask them to be curious about what they notice when they see that headline. If for instance, you felt upset and noticed tears welling up in your eyes, could you just hold some space for that for a moment? What is beautiful in that process to me is that it tells me you care deeply about something and if we invalidate that by immediately reframing, we are invalidating something profoundly important to you. You might learn more about values that you can prioritize by taking some actions to contribute to your community in some way, big or small. You might even connect with others who share your values along the way and that can really foster a resiliency that can get you through hard times. We might not typically associate acceptance with action and resistance, but it can underlie empowering practices if we are intentional.

Acceptance is an ongoing practice, so there is no need to perfect it. Allow yourself to hold space for your emotions and acknowledge the compassion that shows in you. And please, nourish yourself with something restorative. Whether that is movement, reading a good book, watching bad TV, cooking, painting, a mental health day or something else, please be open to considering what you need to continue to take care as you, a perfectly normal and feeling human, live in a world where the news often makes us want to hide under the covers. And know that in an environment where it can feel more protective to be cynical and resigned, there are those who see you in your experience and think you are incredibly brave to so earnestly embrace and feel your feelings.

It might be helpful to have some tools to reflect. For identifying emotions, consider the feelings wheel: https://feelingswheel.com/. For support in identifying values, try an exercise like the one linked here: https://loving.health/en/act-list-of-values/.