As individuals grieve the loss of a pregnancy or death of a baby, they sometimes need help supporting their other children in understanding and navigating their own grief over the loss of a sibling. Some of the ideas children have about death come from television, video games, or movies, where people get hurt but magically reappear. Children, especially very young children, easily believe in magical endings. They also believe in magical causes of death. They may think something they said or thought or did caused the baby to die. They may have had mixed feelings about this new baby. Even adults will question everything they did or thought during the pregnancy, trying to find a reason why. Usually, adults can remind themselves they know these things didn’t really cause the baby to die. But young children are unable to do this.
Some children’s ideas about death might come from words they hear adults use. Explaining that the baby “went to sleep and didn’t wake up” or that the baby “was taken to Heaven to be an angel,” might make children afraid that this could happen to them. Using words like the baby “went bye-bye” or was “lost” might make a child think the baby can come back, or can be found. When talking with children for the first time about a baby’s death, you may only need to say very little. Don’t over-explain. Follow their lead- they will guide you on what to address.
Begin by saying that the baby has died. Be simple, concrete, straightforward and honest. Use the “D” (died, dead, dying) words to alleviate any misconceptions. Tell them as much as you can about why this happened in simple words they can understand. It is okay to express that you might not know what happened. You can explain that “something happened.” Explain to them that what happened is no one’s fault and assure them that they will be taken care of.
Talking a little about how you or other people might act or feel about the baby’s death helps your child understand grief. Children often want to protect their grieving parents. To spare them any pain, they will not talk about their own sad or scary thoughts. Sometimes they do this because other adults have told them to “be strong” or not to bother their parents during this time of sorrow. Your children may also feel the baby is a forbidden subject if you do not talk to them about what is happening. By mentioning some of your own feelings, you make it safe for them to talk about what they’re thinking and feeling too.
When you talk to your children, ask them a few questions to learn what ideas they already have about death. When you think they are understanding what death means, you may choose to add any personal beliefs about what happens after death.
Your children will feel better if you stick to their normal routines. If avoidable, this would not be a good time to make major changes, such as moving to a new home or changing schools or daycare arrangements. Many adults are amazed to see children go back to normal routines so soon. Children are not able to grieve for long periods of time and need frequent breaks from their sadness. This does not mean they are uncaring. Play is the way children work out their feelings. Sports and other physical activities are good ways to release intense feelings. Younger children may act out their feelings in imaginary play. You can learn what they are thinking by watching this play, or by playing with them.
Drawing, keeping a journal, writing stories, poems, or a letter to the baby are other ways children may express themselves. Older children may like to perform or listen to music. Many books about grieving are available for children of different ages (see resources below). Whatever your children enjoyed doing before the baby died should be encouraged now.
Your children may not say much at all about the baby. You will probably learn more about how they are feeling by noticing any changes in behavior. It may be difficult for them to be around pregnant women or babies for a while. Frequently, children will demand more attention. Their behaviors might be seen as disobedience or lashing out. This happens more often with preschool and school-age children. Continue to keep the usual limits you set for their behavior.
Less often, children may have nightmares, lose their appetite, or have other physical problems. Usually, their behavior changes will return back to baseline over time. As children grow up, they will think about the baby in new ways. They will also know more words to ask for additional information they are curious about. They may continue to bring up the subject of the baby from time to time, asking questions that you thought you had already addressed. It is just a sign that they are growing in experience and understanding.
Most importantly of all, be kind to yourself throughout this process. Treat yourself with grace and understanding as you do your best to take care of yourself and your family all at the same time. Lean on close family, friends and professional resources as much as you can. You’re not meant to go through this alone.
Resources For Families:
Books That Focus Specifically on Pregnancy Loss:
We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead by Pat Schwiebert
Something Happened by Cathy Blanford
Books About Grief for Toddlers and Preschoolers:
Something Very Sad Happened: A Toddler’s Guide to Understanding Death by Bonnie Zucker
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
Books About Grief For School-Age Children:
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard
Books About Grief For Adolescents:
Fire in My Heart, Ice in My Veins: A Guided Grief Journal for Teenagers and Young Adults by Enid Samuel Traisman
Welcome to the Grief Club: Because You Don’t Have to Go Through It Alone by Janine Kwoh
References:
Allina Health. (2013). Simple talk for tough times: Talking with children about cancer. Retrieved from:
Brown, L. K., Brown, M. T., & Edward Valauskas Collection of Dinosauriana. (1996). When dinosaurs die: A guide to understanding death.
Franklin, P., Arber, A., Reed, L., & Ream, E. (2019). Health and social care professionals’ experiences of supporting parents and their dependent children during, and following, the death of a parent: A qualitative review and thematic synthesis. Palliative Medicine, 33(1), 49-65.
Scalzitti, V. (2018). The road to good mourning: Growing resilient children through the grief experience. Rainbow Hospice.
Sutter. C., & Reid, T. (2012). How do we talk to the children? Child life consultation to support the children of seriously ill adult inpatients. Journal of Palliative Medicine, 15, 1-7.
The Massachusetts Center for Unexpected Infant and Child Death. (n.d.).
Winch, A. (2001). A nurse’s role in helping well children cope with a parent’s serious illness and/or hospitalization. Journal for Specialists in Pediatric Nursing, 6(1), 42-46.
Zucker, B. (2016). Something very sad happened: A toddler’s guide to understanding death.
Written by: Danielle Fleckenstein, MA, LCPC, ALMFT, PMH-C, CCLS
Staff Psychotherapist and Clinical Supervisor, Flourish Counseling & Wellness
(312) 659-4718 | contact@flourishcounselingltd.com