Identity in Motherhood

Take a moment to think about all the parts that make up who you are. Stay here for a bit. And breathe. What comes up for you? What images, stories, memories, words come to your mind?

When I think about who I am, I realize that I connect most with the parts of me that are marginalized, unique. The parts of me that both connect me to a community and isolate me from others. They are the parts that challenge me the most and the parts in which I feel the most pride.

The parts I want to preserve.

As women, we are socialized to envision ourselves as mothers because we have the biological parts that allow us to do so. This starts in very early childhood and only continues to become more complex as we reach childbearing age and become increasingly aware of social norms. This is work we have been doing our whole lives – subconsciously, that is, as we move about social environments that project certain expectations. It’s my belief that when we either choose to start the process of childbearing, or we find ourselves pregnant, the subconscious envisioning we have been doing our whole lives, suddenly becomes very, very present. Not only are we aware that we may move into motherhood in actuality, but we start to become very, very aware of what that means. We will not only be the caretakers of children, we will bring all of our parts the ones that connect us and the ones that isolate us, into this role of motherhood. The significance of our intersecting identities might have once lain dormant in our subconscious. Now we have to make sense of it.

I think part of this is because we have a biological and evolutionary urge to preserve parts of ourselves by passing them along to our children. Not only this, we want to connect to ourselves, and especially the parts of us we feel pride in, by connecting to those same parts in our children. We are suddenly in (or almost in) the position of teaching a child ways of being and knowing, which means we become very involved in understanding which parts we want to preserve and pass down, and which parts we want or need to let go of. This is a very involved and complex process. It is activated the moment we become aware that we truly will be mothers – and all the subconscious and passive envisioning we did from girlhood, doesn’t truly prepare us for this process.  We only go through it once we’re in it.

This process becomes significantly more complex when complications towards motherhood arise. Fertility issues, pregnancy loss, trauma or loss outside of pregnancy, partner relationship challenges, isolation or lack of support (hello, Covid). Our intersecting identities have already started to surface because maternal preoccupation (envisioning our connection to our baby in order to bond with them), has already begun. It begins the moment we start the process of childbearing or find ourselves pregnant. It’s a biological process, and it’s a necessary process.

All we can do is lean into it.

Understanding ourselves, especially in relation to who we are as mothers, is necessary, complex, even painful. Once it begins, it’s also lifelong. Leaning into it, sitting through and making sense of all the complexities, all the pain – does have the power to offer immense relief. But we must be patient with ourselves. We can move into a place of understanding, a place where we feel grounded in ourselves and connected to our children. We can move to a place of presence and knowing, and how revelatory this can be. It can be a gift to have a space to speak the stories and the developing revelations aloud, especially to someone who is trained to listen to your stories and help you make sense of them. It has been an immense gift for my therapist to hold this space for me. And all of us at Flourish feel that it is a true honor to hold this space for you.   We are here for you.  We’re here for the whole journey.

Tali received a Master’s in Social Work from Loyola University Chicago where she studied psychotherapeutic counseling. Since graduating, she has completed further training in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) and the treatment of relational traumas. Additionally, she completed Postpartum Support International’s (PSI) advanced training to treat Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs).

Why I’m a Therapist:

I’m a therapist, first and foremost, because I have found great relief in the therapeutic space throughout challenging moments in my own life. I’ve also developed deep respect for human resiliency. I witnessed this firsthand growing up, with my life so intertwined in a Jewish community that held space for ever-evolving individuals across the lifespan. And I specialize in women’s and perinatal mental health because of my own lived experience as a mother. It continues to be one of the most complex things I have ever done – so full of joys and challenges, doubts and insecurities, opportunities for reflection, presence, and growth – and it is a true honor to be there with you as you reflect upon your own story and your own experience of personhood.

Tali specializes in the following areas: perinatal mood and anxiety disorders, birth and relational traumas, infertility, identity development, and women’s issues across the lifespan. She holds special interest in working with individuals from pre-conception or pregnancy through postpartum and beyond. She also works with Jewish women, and other individuals from faith-based communities, struggling in the perinatal period.