Gentle Parenting

Gentle parenting… it’s all over social media but what is exactly?

Let’s talk about what gentle parenting is NOT before we get into what it really is. Gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It is not giving into your child because they feel strongly about it. It is not giving your child free reign to do whatever they feel like when they feel like it. Our kiddos are looking at us, their parents, to teach them about emotions and boundaries. And that is where “gentle parenting” comes in.

Though there are many mixed definitions of gentle parenting online, what I see as the underlying message of gentle parenting is that it is about emotional regulation. By emotional regulation, I mean teaching our children how to understand their emotions and know how to express them well. It is about allowing our kids to have big emotions by viewing them in a compassionate, understanding, loving way that doesn’t trigger our own anxiety and big emotions. The real work in gentle parenting is in doing our own emotional work.

Children have an incredible ability to pick up on others’ moods and emotions. They can pick up on your anger, even when we try to hide it. This is such an important thing to understand because it is the core of effective, positive parenting. An adult who is angry, upset, anxious, or simply dysregulated will never be able to calm down a child who is also dysregulated. However, a calm, regulated adult can help a child regulate as well. This is called co-regulation and is essential for gentle parenting.

Let’s look at an example. Suppose you just made a wonderful dinner for your family and your pre-teen won’t eat it because she thinks it smells disgusting. As she complains about it and gets angry because you won’t let her have a bowl of cereal for dinner instead, you get angry yourself. Afterall, you spent an hour in the kitchen and she’s never grateful for anything! You yell at her for being so ungrateful and send her away to her room… both of you end up crying and upset.

Now let’s rewrite the script. What would the alternative be if you, as the parent, did not get angry because of her ungratefulness? Is it possible that her lack of gratitude is completely normal for a pre-teen and it is triggering something deeper in you that causes you to overreact? Her feelings are not wrong. Maybe she’s not expressing them well, but that’s where the calm, regulated version of you teaches her an appropriate response. It doesn’t mean she gets to eat the cereal for dinner. It just means that you teach her how to express her emotions and thoughts in a better way. Maybe you come to a compromise about dinner, like she gets to pick what to eat tomorrow, or maybe she does end up eating a bowl of cereal. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you are teaching her how to get through this distressing situation in a way that is productive, calm, and respectful of her family.

Instead of yelling and sending her away, you first check into your own emotions. Are you feeling upset? You might need to step away from the situation for a couple of minutes to calm down. If you’re feeling pretty regulated, you can have the conversation about how hurtful her words are to you, and give her some examples of how to better express herself. You can come up with a solution together.

Being regulated affects the whole brain. When we are dysregulated, our functioning IQs actually drop! When we are upset, our bodies get ready for a fight or flight reaction and start using less of our brain power to calmly think things through. That’s why it’s so important for you to be as regulated as possible – so that you are the best version of yourself. It is also important to keep this in mind when our kids get dysregulated. You cannot reason them out of their big emotions because they quite literally cannot reason. Before talking about the situation, they must first be calm and regulated.

Of course we will all lose our cool sometimes! And that’s totally ok. It makes us wonderfully human parents who are doing our best. Our kids see our efforts and learn from them. Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your family. The more you take care of yourself, by exercising, eating a balanced diet, going to therapy, and doing the things you love, the more you will be calm and regulated. You will be able to help your child co-regulate. Invest in yourself! You’re worth it!