Have you ever failed to be the person, parent, or friend that you want to be? Of course you have. We all have. What do you do when that happens? I’ve long had a tendency to be pretty hard on myself when I don’t meet my own expectations, and I used to think I was alone in that. I don’t know when it changed for me, but I’ve arrived at a point in my life now at which I believe that this is something that a lot of us humans struggle with, one way or another. And that has been such a gift to see.
I was recently talking with a friend about our mutual challenges in parenting, and we started talking about ways in which we both also criticize ourselves. And while I’m sad that she has had to experience those painful feelings, there was also something relieving about hearing from her and sharing with her. When we process feelings like this alone, we may believe the lie that we are alone. But when we share our experiences with others, and particularly when others respond with similar vulnerability, we find connection and compassion. I may not always be the best parent, but when I know I’m not the only one who feels like that, the load lightens just a little.
So how can we change the way that we respond to ourselves when we fall down? Sara’s blog post a while back about self-compassion had some great ideas in it. I have a little more to add:
- Acknowledge your pain. Whenever we make mistakes, fail to meet standards, or just find ourselves not acting like the person we want to be, it hurts. Before you jump to problem-solving or action-planning or distraction, check in with yourself. Give yourself a minute to recognize that it hurts.
- Share your pain with someone else. Find someone you trust, especially someone who you think might respond with their own vulnerability rather than trying to reassure you or fix the problem. I recognize that this can be tricky. Relationships like this can be hard to find. But sometimes it just takes being the one to take the first step.
- Find something to say or do for yourself that is kind. This might be a word of affirmation or encouragement. It might be considering how you can shift your expectations for yourself. It might be an act of self-care like taking time for exercise or a square meal.
I know what some of you are saying at this point. Some of you are thinking, “If I go too easy on myself, I’ll never do better.” And honestly, I see your point. That’s why I’m not suggesting that you ignore those self-critical thoughts. Those thoughts probably have a lot to say about what’s important to you, what really matters in your life. We feel the most pain where it matters the most. But that’s also often where there are no simple solutions. It may take patience, reflection, and stillness to see what is actually within our power to change. That’s why I’m suggesting that we take a step back from those self-critical thoughts for a moment and attend to the pain first.
My seven-year-old son recently had to have a tooth pulled because a filling became infected. If you’ve ever been through this with a child, you may have some idea of the ordeal that he (and I!) went through. He’s generally a very active, tough, not-so-snuggly kid. But that day, he sat in my lap and cried and I held him and wished I could make his pain go away. Now, there’s definitely something we need to learn from the situation—my son needs to learn how to brush and floss his teeth consistently. If he had done that, he probably wouldn’t have been in this situation. But that wasn’t even a thought in my head as I held him that day. What he needed from me first was connection, warmth, and safety. He needed to cry and to be seen and loved. We can deal with dental hygiene habits later. That was obvious to me because he’s my child. But how do you think I respond to my own pain? How do you respond to your pain?
Let’s attend to our pain with compassion and kindness first. Then, when we’re ready, let’s get up and do whatever is in our power today to become more like the people we want to be.
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