The Myth of “The Perfect Mother”

Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are the leading birth complication in the United States. (PSI, 2014) Etiologies of perinatal distress are complex and can be traced back to limited social support, loss of social ties, previous histories of mental illness, birth trauma, developmental trauma, and socioeconomic status. However, maternal distress is also often a direct result of the pernicious myth of perfect motherhood within our dominant culture. This myth of the perfect mother establishes a false binary between perfection and failure that negatively impacts individual women’s capacity for self-compassion and accurate self-assessment. Given the complex individual and social factors that transform the difficulties of mothering into distress, women are need of therapeutic spaces in which to process this major life transition, work through radical shifts in their identity, and receive support while they resist the oppressive perfectionism that permeates our cultural narratives about motherhood.

My own clinical experience working with pregnant and postpartum women indicates that women struggle to reconcile their individual identities with the dominant cultural narratives that explicitly and subtly reinforce the image of the perfect mother. This oppressive standard depicts the mother as grateful, happy, and completely comfortable giving up her previous roles in her total devotion to her child. My clients and I have worked together to deconstruct this myth of the perfect mother while constructing contextually specific and achievable goals related to mothering. Therapists must support the immediate reduction in symptoms while also advocating for longer term goals. Women must be allowed to creatively identify and commit to what they find most meaningful about being a mother beyond the binary of perfection and failure.

Research confirms the prevalence of postpartum depression at a rate between 13% and 19% for new moms. (Stana, Miller, 298). The research also indicates that this rate is significantly under screened and underreported and that the rate of clinically significant perinatal distress can affect nearly 1/3 of mothers. (Kurzweil, 182) My clinical observations related to the deleterious impact of dominant cultural narratives of motherhood on individual women is also represented within the research. Stana and Miller’s research on the themes represented in online support message boards identified “the social construction of motherhood” (Stana, Miller, 2019) as a main contributor to distress for these moms. Women’s forced adherence to a standardized ideal inevitably leads to a decrease in self-worth and fears that confusing, ambivalent, or overwhelming postpartum experiences represent failure for new moms. Law et al. further confirms this finding: “We identified four predominant themes in women’s narrative: feeling like a failed mother; societal silencing of negative experiences of motherhood; coming to terms with a new sense of self; and finding solace in shared experiences.” (Law et al, 1376)

Perinatal psychotherapy offers mothers an alternative to silence. Motherhood is a complex transformation that involves “coming to terms with a new sense of self.” (Law et al, 1376) This rich and dynamic process cannot be successfully negotiated if women feel forced to achieve an impossible ideal. The myth of the perfect mother harms women by falsely accusing them of failure. Our work with mothers must reflect this research by focusing both on positive identity construction and ideological deconstruction so women can begin to identify with their roles as mothers without feeling judged against an impossible standard. Clients and therapists must work together to develop open, flexible, and contextual conceptions of motherhood that allow for difficulty, pain, and confusion. Mothers are dealing with enough without having to adhere to rigid standards of perfection. Client resistance to the myth of perfect mother is an essential step in recovering from perinatal distress.

References

Kurzweil, S. (2012). Psychodynamic therapy for depression in women with infants and young children. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 66(2), 181–199. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.2012.66.2.181

Law, S., Ormel, I., Babinski, S., Plett, D., Dionne, E., Schwartz, H., & Rozmovits, L. (2021). Dread and Solace: Talking about Perinatal Mental Health. International Journal of Mental Health Nursing, 30(S1), 1376–1385. https://doi.org/10.1111/inm.12884

PSI. (2014). Postpartum support international perinatal mood and anxiety disorders … Postpartum Support International Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders FACT SHEET. Retrieved May 26, 2022, from https://www.postpartum.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/PSI-PMD-FACT-SHEET.pdf

Seymour-Smith, M., Cruwys, T., Haslam, S. A., & Brodribb, W. (2016). Loss of group memberships predicts depression in postpartum mothers. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 52(2), 201–210. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-016-1315-3

Stana, A., & Miller, A. R. (2019). “being a mom = having all the feels”: Social support in a postpartum depression online support group. Atlantic Journal of Communication, 27(5), 297–310. https://doi.org/10.1080/15456870.2019.1616736